Bad Week:

Today is Wednesday and on Monday I knew it was going to be a bad week.  Some thing has made me mad of has upset me each day this week.  But as I set here typing, I have to ask myself is it the week or is it me?  I feel as if I am bringing the world down around me and I don’t know why.  I still enjoy my life even that Jenni has passed.  Yes I'm a lot lonelier then we she was here.  Yes I talk to people.  They just don't feel the void that I'm feeling.  What will it take to feel the void you ask?  I don't know.  I have a friend that posted on Face book that he and his wife are going to have a another child.  I tell people all the time “I thank God I don't have kids".  Sometimes I think I'm lying to myself.  Hoping that one day I will really believe it my self. I have another friend that has 2 small kids and her husband ran out on her.  She says that my lose of Jenni is far worse then her problem.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like now if I and Jenni would have had a child and me be left here alone to raise it.

I heard a preacher talk one day about praying.  He said to try to pray for 30 days and not ask God for anything for you.  I made it 1 day.  Dose that make me selfish? My friend with the 2 kids told me she was going to pray for me to have Joy in my life.  I believe in praying and I dose work.  But I don't know if I can ever find Joy.  This is the second year after Jenni's death, it has been harder then the first. Why?  When will it get better?  I ask myself "why wood anyone wants to go out with me when I don't want to be around me, because of all the Doom and Gloom.  Their are 2 other people in this world that I really understand how I feel.  They have had a very big lose in their lives and are dealing with their one Doom and Gloom.

I look up at the stars every morning and night looking for the answers I seek.  I soak in a tub looking. I listen to music, and meditate, but no answers.  Is their an answer???