Bad Week:

Today is Wednesday and on Monday I knew it was going to be a bad week.  Some thing has made me mad of has upset me each day this week.  But as I set here typing, I have to ask myself is it the week or is it me?  I feel as if I am bringing the world down around me and I don’t know why.  I still enjoy my life even that Jenni has passed.  Yes I'm a lot lonelier then we she was here.  Yes I talk to people.  They just don't feel the void that I'm feeling.  What will it take to feel the void you ask?  I don't know.  I have a friend that posted on Face book that he and his wife are going to have a another child.  I tell people all the time “I thank God I don't have kids".  Sometimes I think I'm lying to myself.  Hoping that one day I will really believe it my self. I have another friend that has 2 small kids and her husband ran out on her.  She says that my lose of Jenni is far worse then her problem.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like now if I and Jenni would have had a child and me be left here alone to raise it.

I heard a preacher talk one day about praying.  He said to try to pray for 30 days and not ask God for anything for you.  I made it 1 day.  Dose that make me selfish? My friend with the 2 kids told me she was going to pray for me to have Joy in my life.  I believe in praying and I dose work.  But I don't know if I can ever find Joy.  This is the second year after Jenni's death, it has been harder then the first. Why?  When will it get better?  I ask myself "why wood anyone wants to go out with me when I don't want to be around me, because of all the Doom and Gloom.  Their are 2 other people in this world that I really understand how I feel.  They have had a very big lose in their lives and are dealing with their one Doom and Gloom.

I look up at the stars every morning and night looking for the answers I seek.  I soak in a tub looking. I listen to music, and meditate, but no answers.  Is their an answer???

What if I stumble:

The song from D.C. Talk, "What If I Stumble?, What If I fall?".  This song keeps going through my head.  Today I feel my walk has become a craw.  Jenni you were my rock and my strength.  Together we could have made any dream come true, and I miss that. Part of the song say's "Do they see the fear in my eye's".  It's been a year and 10 months, has my grief  turned in to fear?  I can ask questions all day, but I never seem to get the answer. Is there an answer? I have always been the strong one in my family.  I'm tired or being the rock, that everyone turns too.

The evening sky:

Tonight I was looking up at the evening sky, I noticed a plane fly over.  I noticed the planes chemical trail, how straight and long it was. I watched the plane pass and looked away for a brief time.  When I looked back I noticed the chemical was broken up in too a lot of short lines, like a broken line on the road.  At first I through, nothing last forever.  The more I think is this our purpose in life, as we travel our life or lines break up a little leaving a little of  our selfs along the way. 

I then looked down in a small wooded aera that I played as a child.  I noticed two trees that my dad put a bar up for me and my brothers to play on.  I remember hanging from that bar think I would be a world class gymnast, or even go to the olympics and bring home the gold for the U.S.A.  As I looked at the tops of these two trees, I noticed they are dying.  The bar that my dad put there for me and my brothers to play and dream on is dying because of me and my brothers. I know this sounds dark and sad, but what else have I had a parting in killing for my fun.

The point i'm getting too is. Would Jenni still be alive if I would have been more proactive in having her drug tested, or did I just give no in side?  Was I tired of fighting weather or not she was in real pain or not?  Did I really believe Jenni was in pain?  Yes I did.  I suffer from alot of the same neck pain she did.  Did I under stand how strong an addiction was?  No, I had no idea.  I throught LOVE was stronger, and it isn't.  Love  is surpose to be the strongest thing around.  Was my Love weak? Was Jenni's Love for me wear?  Why am I beating my self up trying to find the answers? 

More Rain

Everyone how knows me, knows I work in a school.  I have had teachers come up to me, asking what's wrong today.  They know I having a bad day and understand.  Today I had two teenagers look at me and say," you look sad today".  I also had a few teenagers give me a smile like they know something is wrong.    That in it's self breaks my heart, letting them see me like that.  I don't like calling my middle schoolers kids.  I know they are, but I thing of them as young adults cause they are so smart.  We need to give them more credit then we do. 

If you need me I will be there.

When Jenni died I was told by so many people that if you need anything just call.  About a month ago I realy needed to talk to someone.  I called a friend and no answer.  I called someone else a few days later and they cut me short.  Please don't say it if you don't mean it.  Cander will go a long way.  If you don't know how to talk to someone about death let them know or just listen.  Some times we just need to talk.  We do know we are rambling but it dose help.  We know we are not the most fun to be a round.  We do want to get back to our old/new self.

Rain

The song about rainly days and Mondays always get me down are so true.  After spending the weekend  alone for the most part, and the rain on sunday with nothing to do.  Yes depressed on a rainly Monday. 

A Numb Heart

  It has been one year and eight months since Jenni's death, and my heart is still numb.  Each day is an event to get out of bed.  Their days I get home from work and I can't remember what happened that morning or the day before, and I don't care.  Jenni died of a drug overdose.  Every time I take a pill of any kind I think of that day.  I see someone or hear someone talk about taking some type on meds I think of that day. 
  People tell me I need to get out and start dating and I agree.  I have been given phone numbers by girls but, I think what's the use they might die.  What do you do?  I know everyone will die some time and I know this sounds stupid, cause it dose to me.  But that's how I fill.