What if I stumble:

The song from D.C. Talk, "What If I Stumble?, What If I fall?".  This song keeps going through my head.  Today I feel my walk has become a craw.  Jenni you were my rock and my strength.  Together we could have made any dream come true, and I miss that. Part of the song say's "Do they see the fear in my eye's".  It's been a year and 10 months, has my grief  turned in to fear?  I can ask questions all day, but I never seem to get the answer. Is there an answer? I have always been the strong one in my family.  I'm tired or being the rock, that everyone turns too.

The evening sky:

Tonight I was looking up at the evening sky, I noticed a plane fly over.  I noticed the planes chemical trail, how straight and long it was. I watched the plane pass and looked away for a brief time.  When I looked back I noticed the chemical was broken up in too a lot of short lines, like a broken line on the road.  At first I through, nothing last forever.  The more I think is this our purpose in life, as we travel our life or lines break up a little leaving a little of  our selfs along the way. 

I then looked down in a small wooded aera that I played as a child.  I noticed two trees that my dad put a bar up for me and my brothers to play on.  I remember hanging from that bar think I would be a world class gymnast, or even go to the olympics and bring home the gold for the U.S.A.  As I looked at the tops of these two trees, I noticed they are dying.  The bar that my dad put there for me and my brothers to play and dream on is dying because of me and my brothers. I know this sounds dark and sad, but what else have I had a parting in killing for my fun.

The point i'm getting too is. Would Jenni still be alive if I would have been more proactive in having her drug tested, or did I just give no in side?  Was I tired of fighting weather or not she was in real pain or not?  Did I really believe Jenni was in pain?  Yes I did.  I suffer from alot of the same neck pain she did.  Did I under stand how strong an addiction was?  No, I had no idea.  I throught LOVE was stronger, and it isn't.  Love  is surpose to be the strongest thing around.  Was my Love weak? Was Jenni's Love for me wear?  Why am I beating my self up trying to find the answers?